Cheers to 2018

I struggled tremendously this year. I spent the majority of it in a fixed deep depression. I would spend my days and nights crying, eating, drinking, sleeping... alienating myself from my friends and family, feeling so incredibly miserable that I did not believe I brought any worth into this world. I had thoughts of ending my life because I didn't think I deserved to be here anymore and I was tired of dealing with myself. I felt pathetic, lost, numb. I felt like I had lost the most important part of myself- the part that makes me, well me. I was broken, shattered and couldn't be put back together. It was one of my darkest years, emotionally and physically for my well being. I asked myself how is it that I can I feel so dismal, when I have everything I need in my life? A good job, a beautiful home, money in the bank, a supporting loving family and friendships... How can someone feel like they have nothing when they have everything? Although I had all those things, I still felt like I did not have any one that I could talk to or express myself to. I felt like I would make a fool out of myself by expressing what was going on. I tried to get up and make changes, I really did. I joined a health group, I cut down my eating, I would even try getting myself to work out again, I went to see my doctor multiple times, watched a collection of Ted Talks, I almost started seeing a therapist. But throughout all of the many tries, I could never stick to them, nothing changed. All I could think about was wanting to crawl back into bed and how much I would rather be cradled in my sheets then anything else, because my dreams were so much more enjoyable than my reality. Then, recently, I had a small conversation with someone important to me, someone I never would have expected to cherish as much as I do now. And without them having to do anything special or realizing it, their presence just reminded me how much better I wanted to be for myself. I don't think we come across many people in our lives that genuinely make us want to become better people or better versions of ourselves. Every little change I did make however, wasn't a complete loss, all of those things are helping me now in re-building myself. I'm just starting from the ground up once again. Every day is difficult, but it's always easier than the last. I want to stop self-destructive habits, I want to do better. I will do better. This is only the beginning, so goodbye and good riddance to the demon in my heart, the demon in my head, you are no longer welcome here.