Why can't I speak?

What is it about pain that doesn't allow me to speak? What is it about hurt that doesnt allow me to love? What is it about darkness that doesnt allow me to see? I do not mix well with these things as they are not me. I cannot function as I am when these things are in me. I lack the clarity in my words I lack the tenderness is my voice I lack the compassion in my actions I lack everything that i am because of these things. And I become scum to the very core. Rotten. Moldy. Garbage. I hate it. I hate the way that I become. I hate what it does to me. I hate it all.